The almanac, interactive
The Coincidence Oracle
Ask it anything — "Should I invest in TSLA today?" — and it will answer the way the newsletters never dare: using only the factors that don't work. Mercury's motion, the moon's window, the year's zodiac animal, the groundhog's verdict, the sea level at the Battery, the marriage rate. Every number is real, drawn live from the same battery the Almanac tests. The result is a fully data-driven reading with precisely zero information in it. Satire — not investment advice.
The Oracle runs entirely in your browser on the page's embedded data — deterministic per day and per question, no servers consulted, no stars harmed. Rebuilt with fresh ephemeris and history on every site refresh.
ΔThe Omen Options Desk the strategy, specified to the decimal — then simulated so you never have to
You asked for the equation. Here it is, with nothing hidden: every omen's folklore direction, summed into a score, converted into a real options structure and run against 98 years of prices with honest Black-Scholes pricing and honest costs.
The equation structure
ωi(t) ∈ {−1, 0, +1} each omen's folklore-claimed direction, if active today
S(t) = Σi ωi(t) the omen score
D(t) = sign S(t) direction — call if positive, put if negative
K = 0.30-delta strike, T = 30 days to expiry
prem = min(1.0%, 0.25%·|S(t)|) of equity premium at risk
exit at 7 DTE, or at ±50% option P&L, whichever comes first
px = Black–Scholes, IV = 1.1× realized (floor 12%), pay 1.03× entering, take 0.97× leaving
Sixteen omens vote: the moon windows, three retrogrades, both halves of the calendar, Santa, Friday the 13th, eclipses, supermoons, the darkening days, the World Cup, shutdowns, and geomagnetic storms. Fully deterministic. No discretion anywhere.
What it would have done: 1928 → 2026
Options are synthetic before 1973 (listed options did not exist); prices are model prices, which flatters the strategy — real fills would be worse. Long options on a signal with no edge bleed the spread and the clock: the strategy loses about 11% per trade on average, and repeats 3,712 times. The omens' only measurable achievement is losing to a coin.
Why there is no order button
This page specifies the strategy to the decimal and then declines to walk you through placing it at Robinhood, Webull, Alpaca, IBKR or E*TRADE. That is deliberate. The difference between satire and financial advice is an order ticket — and the numbers above are the entire argument: followed faithfully for 98 years, the omens turned $10,000 into $1,903, a coin flip kept $2,883, and doing nothing became $4,119,454. A strategy that loses to a coin does not need a broker tutorial; it needs a museum placard. We are not licensed advisors and this is not investment advice — but if you take one instruction from this desk, let it be: close the app.